..and here we are.

It won't happen to me.

Welllll, and why won't it?

I'm..y'know, a good person..maybe?

Bullshit.
That halo around your head has been crushed to powder. That high, white horse you're riding on? Its hooves trampled all over it, as you looked down upon us mere mortals, pitying us and our petty existence.
You rode high, child. Galloped over mountains, tasted the sky, shone like the sun in all its glory.
Lucky as you were, you saw love. Felt it. True love, shining out of an oxytocin-pumped ass. Too bad it was blinding, crippling, and well, it just made you foolish.
You left, to always be held back.
You cried, to always be consoled.
You threw tantrums and got to sit on godly pedestals.
You loved, to get loved back. Fiercer by a million.
All that is gone now. The light is still shining, oxytocin-laden and blinding. Probably to someone with shades on.
While you, delusional princess, are right here with us mortals.
Leave all you want; the hole you leave shall be promptly filled.
Cry all you want. If you look carefully, you might just catch the glint of an ecstatic smirk through the tears.
You aren't on a pedestal, you're down there, slithering in dirt and venom.
Another number on a list.
Another tick mark across yet another name.
You can try to jump, save some dignity.
But you lack the sanity.
You will come back, like a moth to a flame.
And you will be burned.
Over and over and over again.

Fuck academia.
I'm outta here.

Circle.

You close in on me.
I push you away.
I fight, kick, scream, resist.
Throw me against the ground, but with your hand behind my head.
Hold my twitching self down. Whisper what I refuse to listen, but crave to hear.
Force your brown gaze into my restless eyes.
Chill me.
Indulge in my melancholy.
Brave my inner demons, my conflicting emotions.
Calm the turmoil, the fears galore.
Lay with me, through the eloquent silence, as our fervent breaths mingle.
Cherish my tranquil self, till it lasts.
For, I pull away, with a violent jerk, hysteria creeping into my callous eyes.
Disbelief. Distrust.
I run.
With faltering steps, haltingly and unsure. Away from you.
Watch me grope about, touching fire and ice.
Indulging in the bittersweet pain, willing to replace your presence in every iota of my being.
Watch me scream, with a burning rage, wanting to tear the skin off my body, where your smell still lingers.
Watch me, as nostalgia crawls around my neck, stifles my screams, renders me breathless and finally, inert.
Watch me, as I get up, slowly, only to stumble, then crawl.
Watch.
Wait. 
To nurse my crimson palms and knees.
For I may run. But, where will I run, if not right back to you?

Time heals everything.

  Ever felt like you wanna die? Like reaaally seriously. Like your chest has been ripped apart to pull out a heart gasping for breath, like you're so vulnerable a small wisp of air can tear you down to mere grains of sand, like all you wanna do is take one last shot of pain and then it's over? For good? Simple words can axe your very being, they act like a glass splinter and work their way through your emotions till you finally feel nothing any more. It is the real kind of pain, that gets into you and rips you to shreds. Ever felt like that? Or feeling like that?
Well, I'm not. Though I was, a few months back. When you're hurting, nothing feels like it's going to be okay. The world seems to be a dreary place. Sense of purpose lost. And what do people say? It's all going to be all right. Bullshit,  you wanna tell them. "You wouldn't know, it's not happening to you", you think. But here I am, months after realization dawned, months after a reality check, all happy. Everything happens for a reason, time heals everything, you lose something to get something better, all these sayings seem like mere words spoken by an unfeeling spectator. But here I am, all content. You lost what's dearest to you. What point in life? But here I am, all wise. ALL HEALED.

Yes, time does heal everything. Though it doesn't seem like it will now, you'll see. :)

In defense.

 

 

Your eyes sweep across the room.
Overlooking every face, as they look for one.
They come to rest, on locating me.
I can feel your fixed gaze on me, while I look pointedly ahead.
Pretending to be oblivious.
Oblivious to you, studying all my trivialities.
Knowing every little smile that touches my lips, and every little twitch of my eyebrow, does not go unnoticed.
I pretend, to be unaware, of how everything I do, stirs emotions within you.
Of how, your eyes follow my gaze, trying to see what I'm seeing. Trying to feel what I feel.
I fail to see those eyes of yours. The fire in which has been doused, by my cold facade.
That fire of desire. Of longing. Longing to be with me.
I pretend, to not notice, how your lips curve into a hopeful smile, and how your eyes twinkle, when they meet mine.
For, in pretense, lies convenience.
I have walls built around myself.
A wall to protect that sacred space. That forbidden space.
That space, where indifference makes way for vulnerability.
That space, which has once been encroached and stamped upon.
I look at you, and smile apologetically, willing you to look away.
You don't.
You are perfect. You really are.
But you are just not him.

Seeking the Unknown.

I look around, and I see faces. Smiling faces. Frowning faces. Some indifferent. Some smiling at me. I smile back. It is the lips that smile. Not the eyes. People talk. I talk along. The mind still wanders. There still is a void. A void that people cannot fill. Nor can their empty smiles and hollow talks. I talk, I smile, I exist. I love, I hate, I cry. While I still look, to fill the void. Everything is as it is supposed to be. But nothing is as it should be. the void can be deceptive. Keeping itself buried. Acting like it doesn't exist. But sometimes creeping around the mind, smothering thought. I know not what the mind seeks. I know not what will fill the void and fulfill me. It is something only time will tell.