..and here we are.

It won't happen to me.

Welllll, and why won't it?

I'm..y'know, a good person..maybe?

Bullshit.
That halo around your head has been crushed to powder. That high, white horse you're riding on? Its hooves trampled all over it, as you looked down upon us mere mortals, pitying us and our petty existence.
You rode high, child. Galloped over mountains, tasted the sky, shone like the sun in all its glory.
Lucky as you were, you saw love. Felt it. True love, shining out of an oxytocin-pumped ass. Too bad it was blinding, crippling, and well, it just made you foolish.
You left, to always be held back.
You cried, to always be consoled.
You threw tantrums and got to sit on godly pedestals.
You loved, to get loved back. Fiercer by a million.
All that is gone now. The light is still shining, oxytocin-laden and blinding. Probably to someone with shades on.
While you, delusional princess, are right here with us mortals.
Leave all you want; the hole you leave shall be promptly filled.
Cry all you want. If you look carefully, you might just catch the glint of an ecstatic smirk through the tears.
You aren't on a pedestal, you're down there, slithering in dirt and venom.
Another number on a list.
Another tick mark across yet another name.
You can try to jump, save some dignity.
But you lack the sanity.
You will come back, like a moth to a flame.
And you will be burned.
Over and over and over again.

Fuck academia.
I'm outta here.

Fate?

So much to ask, so much to say.
A heart brimming with emotions, skin longing for touch.
Two pairs of locked eyes, two seconds of eloquent silence.
They talk with a look, kiss with a gaze.
A stomach still in knots, they then look away.

Circle.

You close in on me.
I push you away.
I fight, kick, scream, resist.
Throw me against the ground, but with your hand behind my head.
Hold my twitching self down. Whisper what I refuse to listen, but crave to hear.
Force your brown gaze into my restless eyes.
Chill me.
Indulge in my melancholy.
Brave my inner demons, my conflicting emotions.
Calm the turmoil, the fears galore.
Lay with me, through the eloquent silence, as our fervent breaths mingle.
Cherish my tranquil self, till it lasts.
For, I pull away, with a violent jerk, hysteria creeping into my callous eyes.
Disbelief. Distrust.
I run.
With faltering steps, haltingly and unsure. Away from you.
Watch me grope about, touching fire and ice.
Indulging in the bittersweet pain, willing to replace your presence in every iota of my being.
Watch me scream, with a burning rage, wanting to tear the skin off my body, where your smell still lingers.
Watch me, as nostalgia crawls around my neck, stifles my screams, renders me breathless and finally, inert.
Watch me, as I get up, slowly, only to stumble, then crawl.
Watch.
Wait. 
To nurse my crimson palms and knees.
For I may run. But, where will I run, if not right back to you?

The time for sleep is now.

   

 He lay crouched on the floor of his bedroom, his fingers entwined across the neck of an empty bottle. The room reeked of alcohol and smoke. A gush of wind blew into the room bringing with it the music of a random song playing someplace downstairs. A fresh stab of pain numbed him again, numbed him enough to take him to another place, another time..

                                          Would you dance if I asked you to dance,

                                            Would you run, and never look back?

     She looked beautiful, as she stood there expectantly, a playful smile on her face. So beautiful, she took his breath away. He stood in awe, gazing at his idea of perfection. The soft curls of her brown hair, the glassy, twinkling eyes, the tiny curve on her luscious lips, a black dress that draped the petite figure. He could only stare in wonder as he opened the car door for her, falling deeper in love every passing moment. It was something only she could do. And suddenly, the little box he carried with him in the pocket of his crisp, black tux seemed much, much lighter. All his apprehensions seemed groundless looking at that angelic face. He knew this was the girl whose face he wanted to wake up to morning after morning. This was the voice he wanted to be comforted in, putting a rest to his fears. These were the eyes he wanted to gaze into indefinitely as he fell deeper in love with her.
     They reached the restaurant, picked by him after thoughtful planning. This was a date unlike the others. This was THE date. A candle-light dinner followed by dancing would be perfect, he thought. Nothing too fancy and romantic enough, just as she liked it..

                                          Would you tremble, if I touched your lips?

                                           Would you smile, oh please tell me this?

     He took her hand in his and led her to dance. Again, that smile. The smile that drove him crazy. He filled her in an embrace and she felt like she was made to fit into his arms. Her head rested perfectly upon his shoulder, her soft hair brushing his chin.  They slowly danced into the darkness of the night while he whispered a soft "I love you" in her ear. She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze and said "I love you too", and they both knew nobody could mean those words more than they did right then. It was then, that with one swift movement , he was down on his knees with the ring in his hand. She was too flabbergasted to even move. The emotions were too much, the happiness was overwhelming. Her eyes welled and she just about managed to mumble a faint "Yes" before they were caught in an embrace again. They both knew happiness. Absolute happiness.

                                                   I can be your hero, baby,

                                                   I can kiss away the pain..

    Their days were spent in bliss. Talking, smiling, laughing, crying with each other. For each other. She didn't seem to get enough of showing off the rock on her finger, while it filled him with warmth to see her doing just that. The faint blush that appeared on her face every time she caught him staring at her, the way her brown eyes twinkled when she looked at him, a lifetime seemed like very less time for him to get enough of these. He could go on looking relentlessly at them forever..
     Another stab of pain brought him back to reality. The glass splinter within him crazed when he thought of that day. The day he realized that forever is indeed very, very short. That his angel was mortal and could be snatched away from him. He numbed whenever he thought of how he would never see that twinkle in her eye, that blush in her cheeks, feel her heart beating so close to his, the warmth of her embrace, the comfort of her voice. It was the fates against him. He lost his entire world in one split second. He didn't have the strength to shut out the screaming in his head or to get up off his knees and face a world without her. He had no desire to. He drank. And drank some more. Till he couldn't hear the screams in his head anymore To fill the void her absence had left. He drank to remain deaf, he drank to remain sane..
      He lay on the floor, trying to shut the voices out, immersing himself in her memory. He was going to be with her soon. That was all he wanted. All he wanted was to feel himself in her arms and hear her tell him she was there with him. To hear her promise him that she wouldn't ever leave him. The hurt immobilized him now. A solitary tear trickled down the corner of his eye as he breathed heavily. And when he would see her, she would be looking beautiful. His trembling lips twitched into a tiny curve as his breathing ceased..

                                                     I will stand by you forever,

                                                   You can take my breath away..

Closure.

Silence feels like an eternity,
Each word a shattering blow.
He hints that he does despise,
But it's just too hard to let go.

He hates your existence now,
Pushes you away with all his might.
Everything seems so surreal,
Your heart seeks respite.

He gives you a thousand reasons to leave,
You look for one to stay.
Tried everything you could to see sense,
Tried every single way.

Begged, pleaded, screamed and fought,
threw away all your pride.
What do you do when you are still alive,
But something dies inside?

What does one do when everything,
Brings back memories of the past?
And you still can't believe it's happening,
Because it all happened so fast.

Your friends tell you to be strong,
To face it all head on.
But how can you do just that,
When your pillar of strength is gone?

But face it girl, because he,
Is no longer just the same.
Wanting the old him back is useless,
Crying will give no gain.

Someone who forgets all the love,
In one moment of despair.
And hurts you enough to break your heart,
Whose words shatter you beyond repair.
Is just not someone worth crying for,
Save it for someone who is.
Save it for someone who doesn't change with the season,
And you will surely find bliss.

Love him for whom you're irreplaceable.
No matter what you do.
For if fights make the love grow fonder,
Only then is it true.

Someone who just doesn't stop caring,
For he found new people to care.
You've made a special place in his heart,
A place that he'll always revere.

And then, my girl, your wounds will heal,
You will uncry all the tears.
Love will make your heart whole again,
And will vanish all your fears.

So till then, fake a smile if need be,
All wounds heal with time.
Brave your days and nights alone,
And trust me, you'll be just fine.

In defense.

 

 

Your eyes sweep across the room.
Overlooking every face, as they look for one.
They come to rest, on locating me.
I can feel your fixed gaze on me, while I look pointedly ahead.
Pretending to be oblivious.
Oblivious to you, studying all my trivialities.
Knowing every little smile that touches my lips, and every little twitch of my eyebrow, does not go unnoticed.
I pretend, to be unaware, of how everything I do, stirs emotions within you.
Of how, your eyes follow my gaze, trying to see what I'm seeing. Trying to feel what I feel.
I fail to see those eyes of yours. The fire in which has been doused, by my cold facade.
That fire of desire. Of longing. Longing to be with me.
I pretend, to not notice, how your lips curve into a hopeful smile, and how your eyes twinkle, when they meet mine.
For, in pretense, lies convenience.
I have walls built around myself.
A wall to protect that sacred space. That forbidden space.
That space, where indifference makes way for vulnerability.
That space, which has once been encroached and stamped upon.
I look at you, and smile apologetically, willing you to look away.
You don't.
You are perfect. You really are.
But you are just not him.