Fate?

So much to ask, so much to say.
A heart brimming with emotions, skin longing for touch.
Two pairs of locked eyes, two seconds of eloquent silence.
They talk with a look, kiss with a gaze.
A stomach still in knots, they then look away.

Circle.

You close in on me.
I push you away.
I fight, kick, scream, resist.
Throw me against the ground, but with your hand behind my head.
Hold my twitching self down. Whisper what I refuse to listen, but crave to hear.
Force your brown gaze into my restless eyes.
Chill me.
Indulge in my melancholy.
Brave my inner demons, my conflicting emotions.
Calm the turmoil, the fears galore.
Lay with me, through the eloquent silence, as our fervent breaths mingle.
Cherish my tranquil self, till it lasts.
For, I pull away, with a violent jerk, hysteria creeping into my callous eyes.
Disbelief. Distrust.
I run.
With faltering steps, haltingly and unsure. Away from you.
Watch me grope about, touching fire and ice.
Indulging in the bittersweet pain, willing to replace your presence in every iota of my being.
Watch me scream, with a burning rage, wanting to tear the skin off my body, where your smell still lingers.
Watch me, as nostalgia crawls around my neck, stifles my screams, renders me breathless and finally, inert.
Watch me, as I get up, slowly, only to stumble, then crawl.
Watch.
Wait. 
To nurse my crimson palms and knees.
For I may run. But, where will I run, if not right back to you?

Oh, Brother!

   "Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.  -Marc Brown"

     I remember looking at him, awe-struck, as a kid. He was the coolest elder brother ever. He was perfect. I would listen to the songs he played and sang, and try to make sense of them. I would sit by him as he played the guitar, mesmerized. I would look at his perfect grade sheets, and want to study better. I would look at the dimple on his cheek, and wish I had one too. I would look at him have his way around computers, and how he could fix just about anything. I saw his life, so methodical, perfectly chalked out. He knew what he wanted since he was in school. And I looked at him, moving through life, getting everything he wanted, with so much ease. He was a star. At-least in his little sister's eyes.
    I wonder how children without siblings spent their childhood. Coming to think of it, mine would've been one dry childhood, had it not been for my brother. I distinctly remember every little detail, and the memories never fail to bring a smile to my face.
      Endless memories crop up in my mind as I think of those days, and every memory, no matter how small or insignificant, has my brother with me. It sucks to have the most important person in your life gone away. It is tough to come to terms with not seeing the face you grew up with everyday, with not having someone who seems to be able to fix every problem, with not having someone to fight with you over chocolates and the remote. His yearly visits are just not enough. And the visits show me how much we have grown up, how much we have changed.
    We may have grown up, gotten smarter with age and will probably move on to better things in life. But, I know for a fact, that I would trade everything I have to go back to those days, back to being the adoring little sister, who saw the world in her brother's eyes..

The time for sleep is now.

   

 He lay crouched on the floor of his bedroom, his fingers entwined across the neck of an empty bottle. The room reeked of alcohol and smoke. A gush of wind blew into the room bringing with it the music of a random song playing someplace downstairs. A fresh stab of pain numbed him again, numbed him enough to take him to another place, another time..

                                          Would you dance if I asked you to dance,

                                            Would you run, and never look back?

     She looked beautiful, as she stood there expectantly, a playful smile on her face. So beautiful, she took his breath away. He stood in awe, gazing at his idea of perfection. The soft curls of her brown hair, the glassy, twinkling eyes, the tiny curve on her luscious lips, a black dress that draped the petite figure. He could only stare in wonder as he opened the car door for her, falling deeper in love every passing moment. It was something only she could do. And suddenly, the little box he carried with him in the pocket of his crisp, black tux seemed much, much lighter. All his apprehensions seemed groundless looking at that angelic face. He knew this was the girl whose face he wanted to wake up to morning after morning. This was the voice he wanted to be comforted in, putting a rest to his fears. These were the eyes he wanted to gaze into indefinitely as he fell deeper in love with her.
     They reached the restaurant, picked by him after thoughtful planning. This was a date unlike the others. This was THE date. A candle-light dinner followed by dancing would be perfect, he thought. Nothing too fancy and romantic enough, just as she liked it..

                                          Would you tremble, if I touched your lips?

                                           Would you smile, oh please tell me this?

     He took her hand in his and led her to dance. Again, that smile. The smile that drove him crazy. He filled her in an embrace and she felt like she was made to fit into his arms. Her head rested perfectly upon his shoulder, her soft hair brushing his chin.  They slowly danced into the darkness of the night while he whispered a soft "I love you" in her ear. She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze and said "I love you too", and they both knew nobody could mean those words more than they did right then. It was then, that with one swift movement , he was down on his knees with the ring in his hand. She was too flabbergasted to even move. The emotions were too much, the happiness was overwhelming. Her eyes welled and she just about managed to mumble a faint "Yes" before they were caught in an embrace again. They both knew happiness. Absolute happiness.

                                                   I can be your hero, baby,

                                                   I can kiss away the pain..

    Their days were spent in bliss. Talking, smiling, laughing, crying with each other. For each other. She didn't seem to get enough of showing off the rock on her finger, while it filled him with warmth to see her doing just that. The faint blush that appeared on her face every time she caught him staring at her, the way her brown eyes twinkled when she looked at him, a lifetime seemed like very less time for him to get enough of these. He could go on looking relentlessly at them forever..
     Another stab of pain brought him back to reality. The glass splinter within him crazed when he thought of that day. The day he realized that forever is indeed very, very short. That his angel was mortal and could be snatched away from him. He numbed whenever he thought of how he would never see that twinkle in her eye, that blush in her cheeks, feel her heart beating so close to his, the warmth of her embrace, the comfort of her voice. It was the fates against him. He lost his entire world in one split second. He didn't have the strength to shut out the screaming in his head or to get up off his knees and face a world without her. He had no desire to. He drank. And drank some more. Till he couldn't hear the screams in his head anymore To fill the void her absence had left. He drank to remain deaf, he drank to remain sane..
      He lay on the floor, trying to shut the voices out, immersing himself in her memory. He was going to be with her soon. That was all he wanted. All he wanted was to feel himself in her arms and hear her tell him she was there with him. To hear her promise him that she wouldn't ever leave him. The hurt immobilized him now. A solitary tear trickled down the corner of his eye as he breathed heavily. And when he would see her, she would be looking beautiful. His trembling lips twitched into a tiny curve as his breathing ceased..

                                                     I will stand by you forever,

                                                   You can take my breath away..

Time heals everything.

  Ever felt like you wanna die? Like reaaally seriously. Like your chest has been ripped apart to pull out a heart gasping for breath, like you're so vulnerable a small wisp of air can tear you down to mere grains of sand, like all you wanna do is take one last shot of pain and then it's over? For good? Simple words can axe your very being, they act like a glass splinter and work their way through your emotions till you finally feel nothing any more. It is the real kind of pain, that gets into you and rips you to shreds. Ever felt like that? Or feeling like that?
Well, I'm not. Though I was, a few months back. When you're hurting, nothing feels like it's going to be okay. The world seems to be a dreary place. Sense of purpose lost. And what do people say? It's all going to be all right. Bullshit,  you wanna tell them. "You wouldn't know, it's not happening to you", you think. But here I am, months after realization dawned, months after a reality check, all happy. Everything happens for a reason, time heals everything, you lose something to get something better, all these sayings seem like mere words spoken by an unfeeling spectator. But here I am, all content. You lost what's dearest to you. What point in life? But here I am, all wise. ALL HEALED.

Yes, time does heal everything. Though it doesn't seem like it will now, you'll see. :)

I wish for a wish.

   "We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving, and we all have the power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing." - Louisa May Alcott.

• I wish I could travel anywhere in the world when I wanted to.
• I wish everything came without price tags attached.
• I wish good days never came to an end.
• I wish life came with a fast forward and pause button.
• I wish people were a little less selfish and cared about others a little more.
• I wish it snowed in Mumbai.
• I wish it was easy to deal with heart-breaks.
• I wish my hair always behaved.
• I wish the world were a better place to live in.
• I wish people still lived in pretty, wooden cottages.
• I wish friends really were forever.
• I wish I could uproot my existence and start afresh somewhere else when I want to.
• I wish there was a little less hatred, and a little more love and trust in the world.
• I wish destiny shined on every deserving soul, and there was no such thing as luck.
• I wish there were no good-byes.
• I wish I could make my parents immensely proud of me.
• I wish I could go back into the past and re-live those amazing days again.
• I wish, for a wish..

Closure.

Silence feels like an eternity,
Each word a shattering blow.
He hints that he does despise,
But it's just too hard to let go.

He hates your existence now,
Pushes you away with all his might.
Everything seems so surreal,
Your heart seeks respite.

He gives you a thousand reasons to leave,
You look for one to stay.
Tried everything you could to see sense,
Tried every single way.

Begged, pleaded, screamed and fought,
threw away all your pride.
What do you do when you are still alive,
But something dies inside?

What does one do when everything,
Brings back memories of the past?
And you still can't believe it's happening,
Because it all happened so fast.

Your friends tell you to be strong,
To face it all head on.
But how can you do just that,
When your pillar of strength is gone?

But face it girl, because he,
Is no longer just the same.
Wanting the old him back is useless,
Crying will give no gain.

Someone who forgets all the love,
In one moment of despair.
And hurts you enough to break your heart,
Whose words shatter you beyond repair.
Is just not someone worth crying for,
Save it for someone who is.
Save it for someone who doesn't change with the season,
And you will surely find bliss.

Love him for whom you're irreplaceable.
No matter what you do.
For if fights make the love grow fonder,
Only then is it true.

Someone who just doesn't stop caring,
For he found new people to care.
You've made a special place in his heart,
A place that he'll always revere.

And then, my girl, your wounds will heal,
You will uncry all the tears.
Love will make your heart whole again,
And will vanish all your fears.

So till then, fake a smile if need be,
All wounds heal with time.
Brave your days and nights alone,
And trust me, you'll be just fine.

Written in the stars.

Stars. Millions of them.
Gazing down at us. With their glittering gaze.
As we lay sprawled, on the cold, silver sand.
Four tiny figures, looking up at the sky, in awe.
The stars provide much fodder for thought.
We gaze, in retrospect, as nostalgia creeps in.
We think of times, happy and sad.
Of times that shone bright, and times the shine was clouded. Of
mistakes we've made, of opportunities we've missed.
While the stars, who have seen us through it all, smile down at us, knowingly.
We gaze, as we look for answers.
Answers to our insecurities, answers to inexplicable voids.
We look for directions, as we grope around in the darkness, in search of light.
While the stars, omniscient, smile at us, knowingly, bidding us to learn.
We still lay, insignificant and deluded, beneath the stars.
Still looking for answers. Still in pursuit.
Trying to connect the dots, trace out directions, seeking
enlightenment from the twinkling sky.'
The stars seem timeless. Infinite.
They seem to be a part of a bigger plan. One beyond our comprehension.
But there's solace in the insignificance.
We still grope around in darkness, but the stars tell us there will be
light.That they have it all planned, as they smile down at us,
knowingly.

In defense.

 

 

Your eyes sweep across the room.
Overlooking every face, as they look for one.
They come to rest, on locating me.
I can feel your fixed gaze on me, while I look pointedly ahead.
Pretending to be oblivious.
Oblivious to you, studying all my trivialities.
Knowing every little smile that touches my lips, and every little twitch of my eyebrow, does not go unnoticed.
I pretend, to be unaware, of how everything I do, stirs emotions within you.
Of how, your eyes follow my gaze, trying to see what I'm seeing. Trying to feel what I feel.
I fail to see those eyes of yours. The fire in which has been doused, by my cold facade.
That fire of desire. Of longing. Longing to be with me.
I pretend, to not notice, how your lips curve into a hopeful smile, and how your eyes twinkle, when they meet mine.
For, in pretense, lies convenience.
I have walls built around myself.
A wall to protect that sacred space. That forbidden space.
That space, where indifference makes way for vulnerability.
That space, which has once been encroached and stamped upon.
I look at you, and smile apologetically, willing you to look away.
You don't.
You are perfect. You really are.
But you are just not him.

Seeking the Unknown.

I look around, and I see faces. Smiling faces. Frowning faces. Some indifferent. Some smiling at me. I smile back. It is the lips that smile. Not the eyes. People talk. I talk along. The mind still wanders. There still is a void. A void that people cannot fill. Nor can their empty smiles and hollow talks. I talk, I smile, I exist. I love, I hate, I cry. While I still look, to fill the void. Everything is as it is supposed to be. But nothing is as it should be. the void can be deceptive. Keeping itself buried. Acting like it doesn't exist. But sometimes creeping around the mind, smothering thought. I know not what the mind seeks. I know not what will fill the void and fulfill me. It is something only time will tell. 

Joy Of Giving

Ever spared a thought to the tiny fingers,
tugging at your cuff for a rupee or two?
Let compassion take over your daily bothers?
For if you have a nothing, a smile would do.

Quest for an idyllic life, stuck in a rat race,
Perturbed by the search of one's own mirth.
Spare a thought to the smiling, dirt-streaked face,
that has been betrayed by fate, let down by birth.

Look at others troubles, much larger in magnitude,
look beyond selfish motives and a mere existence.
Gain inspiration from displays of fortitude,
In times of crisis, smiles full of radiance.

Spare a smile to a lonesome soul,
make someone's day with your good deeds.
Give a listening ear, a reassuring hug,
For love is all everyone really needs.
 
Look for a deeper meaning to life,
Spend time sharing, caring and loving.
Spend it helping others in strife,
For true joy lies in the joy of giving.

Of Rains and Nostalgia.

Monsoons '10

I hate the rains. I really, really do.
Especially when they decide to be a bitch and pour all of sudden, without a warning, from a seemingly sunny sky, only long enough to completely drench you from head to toe. Only long enough to make everything muddy and icky. Only long enough to make your clothes wet, ruin your pretty shoes and your mood. It doesn't take too much to piss me off nowadays anyway. But all I can really do is shake a fist at the skies and mutter to myself while I walk off, thoroughly miffed.


Moreover, I hate the rains when they remind me of when they actually made me smile. Of when I would happily wade through water clogs from college to college during admissions, drenched and dirty but with pleasant company and lots of joy.
I hate how it reminds me of long drives in the night, crazy photo sessions, hot corn by the streets and memorable night-outs.
I hate how it reminds me of days well spent, of hearty laughter, of meaningful smiles, of hidden glances, of wet hugs, of happy tears, of music too loud and of nights too short.
I hate that it reminds me of endless phone conversations sitting by the window, sipping on coffee while watching the raindrops fall.
I hate how it wants me to snuggle up with people I love most, armed with a movie, some popcorn and happy smiles.
I hate how it gets me to take the phone in my hand, type the numbers I know too well, sigh and keep the phone back.


  The one thing the rains never fail to bring to me are happy memories and wishful sighs. Funny thing, the rains. They make the most indifferent people yearn for familiarity and love.
Yes, I hate the rains. I really, really do.

Fitting in..

  I sat on a chair in front of one of the most intimidating professors I have ever seen, fingers tightly intertwined, white knuckled, answering every question he threw at me, putting up a facade of confidence. Even if I felt anything but confident right then, there was no way I was letting him know of my nervousness and using it to get the better of me. After what seemed like hours of interviewing, he smiled. Hell, I haven't been so happy to see anyone smile, ever! As I sat there, my nervousness vaporising, he asked, "People here have already made friends, you think you can settle in?"
"Of course! I'll make friends in no time! I always do!", I chirped while I did several mental happy dances. I was euphoric!
 
   Life was good. Until the day before the first day of college, when the question the professor had asked came back to me. And that is when the paranoia set in. I have always been good with making friends. But here, I was being thrust into a completely new situation. One where everyone knew everybody else and I knew nobody. New to college, straight into the second year can be a scary thought. More so when friends have already been made, groups have already been formed and teachers and students know each other personally. I was scared.
 
   I set out from home for the first day lectures with a heavy heart, wanting nothing more than to enter a class full of familiar and smiling faces. But what I got when I did enter my new class, were sixty odd pairs of eyeballs upon me wondering who the new girl was. I sat down at this empty bench, growing more and more aware of the unfamiliarity of the place and the people. I probably had my lucky stars smiling down at me right then, for the people I chose to sit with were extremely friendly, and did their best to make me feel comfortable (God bless them! :D).
 
   Days rolled into weeks, and now, two weeks later, I don't feel like an outsider anymore. I do not wonder who to sit with in the canteen after lectures, for I know I will find people asking me to sit with them. I no longer dread the breaks between the lectures, for I know I will find people to spend time with. Staying back at college, helping with Polaris (or at least trying to!), albeit grudgingly was the best decision I've made. Working together on papier mache joker heads and shopping at Crawford for colourful cloth definitely served a deeper purpose. It helped me get over first impressions and also got people to look at me beyond my 'new girl' tag.
 
   Two weeks into college, it doesn't seem like such a dreary place anymore. While I've made some friends, there still are a lot of people I've never spoken to. Hell, I'm not even friends with most of the class on Facebook!
  Two weeks into college, I've now begun to let down my defensive cover and let people know me. I have stopped being anti-social and realised it is okay to be surrounded by people very unlike me. I just have to try and understand them and like them for who they are.
   Two weeks into college, there are a lot more smiles, a lot more laughter and a lot less frowns. I know I still have a long way to go, but college is a lot better, while I still try to 'fit in'.. :)


P.S. - Lots of love to the people who went out of their way to help me fit in. You guys know who you are. Thank you so much. =)